Start over
by RavenZaoldyeck99
Summary: FemGon pov in the entire story. Review Please!


"This is it"

That is what I told myself as I pack my stuff. He won't care anyway. Heck, he never ever notices me anyway. I tried my best to hold back all the tears while packing. After I have finish packing everything, I put down the divorce paper and leave the room with my luggage.

"This is definitely a goodbye"

I took one last look on the mansion and leaves while a tear had escaped. It was a mistake being with him, no good thing will happen if I stay. This is why I left to pursue my dream and things that I always want to do without his presence.

"I'm free at last. Free from him"

I keep whispering that word to myself, hoping to comfort myself because deep in my heart, I knew that I would always get caged from my feelings with him. It was now over, there is no turning back from this point. I look forward and imagining my future and I knew that my future would be better than present.

Five years have passed and I'm feeling happy. I have finally achieved my dream in becoming a designer and opening my own store. Not only that, I had managed to make my goals come true as well such as relaxing at spa, shopping for a lot of clothes that I want, going to the overseas trip and etc. Some might be easy to achieve but for me it is truly difficult because of him.

Him again, no matter what I do, I can't get over him. I should have erased his presence in my memory from all of those five years but it seems forgetting is not an easy task.

Why do I bother remembering him, he wouldn't remembering me anyway. It's better if I get back to work, I have a lot of better things to do rather than remembering him again.

So now here I am relaxing from the day off the work, I took a sip from the tea that I made and feeling completely at ease. That is, until a knocking sound from the door had interrupting my rare free time.

I got off the couch with a grumpy feeling, truly annoyed that my relax time is interrupted. I hope that it is not about bills since I already paid them.

"Yeesh, why can't I enjoy my free time without any interruption?"

I'm coming towards the door and slowly opening the door only to make my jaw drop successfully.

`Why is he here!?'

There stood a man with a silver hair and sapphire eyes while holding a bouquet of red roses. His eyes widened slightly and a slight blush had crept on his face. I never thought that he is here, my used to be husband, Killua Zaoldyeck.

"H-Hi there"

He stuttered while looking at me. I could see him flinching and his lips parted slightly, I have to admit that he has gotten more handsome and I'm sure that many women's would love to go out with him but not me. I had enough of him anyway.

"You, you look truly beautiful"

Is today an April fool? Because Killua is not the type to compliment someone. It does makes me happy but why is he here? Then, I snapped back my thoughts after a long time from staring at him, I slammed the door shut and lock the door while he repeatedly knocking the door over and over again which making me more agitated from his presence.

"Please Gon! Open the door! Please!"

His knocking and his voice got louder causing me to close my ears, hoping that it would block the noise he made. However, it was unsuccessful.

"I'm sorry! I'm really sorry! Please, Gon! Let me in so we could talk about this!"

I want to snap at him. After all, there is nothing for us to talk about. He is just using me and I have had it.

"Gon! Don't do this! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!"

It is too late now. I don't know how he could find me or what do he wants but I don't care. I don't care anyway.

"Please! I'm sorry! I love you! Please!"

My eyes widened suddenly when I heard that statement. He loves me? I want to laugh at that stupid joke. I know that he is not serious because he has never been serious. After all, when we are married, I have never ever heard him saying "I love you" to me and now when I left then he is saying it now? It does caught me off guard for a moment and I almost opening the door since I already reach the doorknob but thankfully I'm still able to control myself. I'm not going to make a mistake on going back with him.

"I love you! I love you!

Anyway, I think I have stayed too long to listen at his nonsense. It's better that I just go upstairs, his voice will not reach me anyway.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I love you, Gon! I'm sorry!"

His voice died down when I go upstairs. I go to my room and faintly, I still could hear him keep yelling. I slowly and secretly open the curtain window to see that indeed, he is there still pounding on the door while yelling my name. Hoping I would listen to him and opening the door so he could go inside and talk to me.

"I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, Gon!"

I never thought that he keeps yelling until his lungs and his legs gave out but he keeps doing it and I have been watching him. He is crying and begging, pounding on the door weakly on his knees with the bouquet of roses lying next to him and calling my name over and over again in his weak voice. He can't yell anymore but he is still persistent.

"G..on. I'm s-sorry… I'm so—rry.. I- lo..ve you"

This sure is the first time that I have seen him looking truly pathetic and I never thought that he would cry and kneeling down as well for he always been someone who looks truly sharp and quite a scary person for he is truly having a very high status. Besides, he always glare at me anyway whenever we made an eye contact which is why I try not to look at his eyes and it is quite easy since we rarely meet as well.

"Ple-ase! I'm so-rry!"

I could hardly hear his voice but I knew he must be saying sorry or my name or I love you since that are all he had been saying over and over again. If people see us, they must be thinking that I am the cold hearted person but I know that he is the one who is cold hearted for all he wants is using me. Still, I don't know why is he coming here? After 5 years and wait- why do I bother, I'm supposed to be not caring about him anymore.

"Uhh….."

He stops and sobbed while still kneeling outside my place. I began to feel pity for him but I shook that thought out immediately for I'm the victim not him. I look at him again and it feels like looking at an abandoned cat who is begging to come inside.

"S-orry! I'm so-rry!"

I left the window and goes to laying on the bed while faintly hearing the whining noise outside that is coming from Killua. I'm closing my eyes and trying to sleep so I could ignoring all of those words he said which is truly a nonsense to me and slowly, I managed to drifting to sleep.

I feel a bit groggily when I woke up and prepare to go outside to buy milk in convenience store when I realized that I don't have any so I open the door and felt my right eye twitching as I sees Killua who is sleeping right outside. I never thought that he would be truly persistent to the point he is sleeping right in front of my door with the bouquet of roses next to him.

`What the-. He would have prefer to stay in a suite rather than sleeping on the ground'

Thinking that he might be left sooner or later, I lock my house and slowly crept out until in the safe distance, I ran to the convenience store to buy milk. When I come back, he is still there. Sleeping and shivering from the cold wind.

`Idiot! He would catch a cold at this rate'

Again, I slowly crept towards my place and unlock the door after taking the bouquet. I go inside and see the card that is inside the bouquet.

`I love you'

That was all written in the card. I want to laugh at myself, pathetically. I put the roses in the vase then putting the card near the vase and I'm still seeing that he is still there. I sighed and taking out a blanket then goes outside and slowly covering him with it then I goes back inside, not wanting to get involved with him anymore.

The next morning, I awake and prepare myself for another day of work. I go outside and almost got a heart attack from seeing Killua outside while wearing the blanket I gave to him last night. I never thought he would still be here.

"Hey, morning"

He said with a small smile in which made my heart skipped a beat. It is the first time I have seen him smile in my whole life but I ignore his greeting and just passing him which made him grab my hand to prevent me from leaving.

"Can't we talk for a moment?"

I notice that he look desperate and his voice is still hoarse, probably from all that yelling but I don't care. He is the one who ruin himself anyway. I free my hand from his grasp which made him gasp and shocked from the cold look I gave him.

"I need to go to work and you look so messed up. Fix yourself and go away!"

I immediately go as I say this. He looked hurt from the words I gave him but I just continue to go to my store and starting my work. I'm getting distracted from my work because of him but I managed to finish my work right before lunch break in which I am thankful for it.

"Excuse me, Miss Gon. There is someone who wishes to meet you in the store"

I raised my eyebrows when one of my employees says this. Someone wants to see me? I just hope that it isn't someone who is complaining about the design. As I made my way there, I realized that there is a huge group of my female employees, seems like crowding someone. I had to admit that this scene is familiar for usually lots of female workers would be crowding around Killua in which he would have welcome eagerly. I look around, trying to find someone who wants to meet me. However my eye caught a flash of silver in the group of my female worker.

"So that's how it is"

I only know one person who has that hair style and hair color. I began to feel stupid for worrying on that someone who wants to meet me. Turns out that he is not important at all, I was about to go back to my office before one of my male employees come at me.

"Ah Miss Gon, are you about to go for your lunch break? It's better not to get too absorbed in your work, you should enjoy yourselves once in a while."

He finish with a smile in which making me happy inside for knowing someone is really cared about me. He is asking me for having a lunch together with him in which I smile and was about to say "yes" if not for someone hugging me so my back is facing him.

"Sorry but my wife and I are going to have lunch together so go away!"

I looked up to see Killua glare at my worker in which making him terrified and runs away. I narrowed my eyes at his word. My wife? We already divorced! But my thoughts stopped as he dragged me outside in which I keep protesting but he hears none of it.

So here we are right now in alley in which he corners me while I refused to look him, old habits die hard.

"Gon… look at me"

I 'm still not looking at him in which making him held my chin and force me to look at him but I squeeze my eyes shut. Even so, I could feel his gaze on me.

"Look at me! Gon!"

His voice sure had a desperate tone in it but I refuse to open my eyes. I guess I'm afraid to open my eyes because I could imagine him glaring at me now.

"Why? Why won't you look at me?"

I think it is better to tell him. I'm quite sick of this position as well.

"Because whenever we made eye contact, you always glare at me and told me not to look at you or I will regret it"

I could hear him gasp before then slowly I feel his hand playing with my hair.

"You won't regret it. Please, open your eyes and look at me"

He softly whispered to me in a broken tone. Slowly, I open my eyes and gasp silently to see him looking at me lovingly. He began to slowly caress my cheek with a sigh, as if I am a priceless object before he came closer to the point our forehead touching each other.

"I'm jealous"

He said before slowly leaning towards me, his head is now leaning against my shoulder while his hand is still playing with my hair.

"Why are you smiling at him but not me?"

He said again causing his breath tickling my neck which making me shiver a bit, completely caught me off guard. Secretly I look at him and holding back a laugh from seeing him pouting.

"It should be me. I'm the one you're supposed to be smiling at"

I wanted to laugh but at the same time, I wanted to smack his head for being so stupid. Again, I never thought he would feel jealous for he has never ever been jealous with anyone and now, he suddenly saying he is jealous because I was smiling at my worker? I think he keep revealing more of his side that I thought never existed in him.

"You're stupid and right, what do you mean with I am your wife?"

I said in an irritating way making him flinching a bit before continuing.

"Well, we are married! So of course you are my wife"

I so want to beat him up. Could it be that he didn't see the divorce paper I put in the room 5 years ago? Besides, our marriages are just writing on the registration and that's it. No ceremony, no rings, no vows. Basically, nothing.

"Very funny cause when I left, I put a divorce paper on the table in your room"

I can see that he look sad suddenly before he shook his head and it replaced with a stern look.

"We are not divorced! I didn't send the paper so we are not divorced!"

"WHAT!"

I shout immediately, unable to believe that it means I am still his wife. I thought for sure that he would happily send those papers and would end up remarrying someone else or even having harem for himself when I gone. I'm truly surprised from this fact.

"Why are you shouting? You don't like the fact we are not divorced?"

I'm holding myself for not punching him. I thought he was a genius but maybe he was an idiot.

"Are you kidding me? If I like it, then why would I bother to left you and leaving the divorce paper for you!?"

I'm really shouting right now for unable to believe that he can't comprehend something that simple. I could see he is trembling right now and without any warning, he hug me and I'm trying to break free from his iron like grip.

"Of course I know. I know why you left. I know it's my fault but I did have a hope that you would forgive me already and come back to me"

Hearing that makes me boil in rage. Does he think it was that simple? He is using me because I have a company that my parents leave me that is in rival with his. He marries me so he could get his hands on my company. He did and ever since he merges the two companies, he is now having a much more income and much more status. I even know that he is keep going out with so many different women's. I devoted everything to him, to the point I even abandoning my dream as a designer and he treat me like I am a freeloader. No matter how much I tried to please him, all he did was just shooing me like I am some kind of troublesome insect. That is why I left because there is no point living with someone who doesn't love you back.

"I miss you so much. Please go home with me"

He said and cries while still hugging me. No matter what, I can't break free from his grasp. I can't believe him, I can't trust him. He betrayed me and he always will.

"No way! I hate you!"

My words seem to stun him for a moment. His grip loosened and I finally break free then I ran away without looking back at him. Unable to trust or believe everything he says.

`He is just going to break my heart again! I shouldn't have ever trusted him'

Days passed and I'm always tried my best to avoid him. He is always there no matter where I go. He keeps threatening all of my male workers so that they wouldn't be too close to me. He even offers to help in expanding my store in which I reject immediately. Then he began to send some flowers, chocolates and some poem in which making me feel unexpectedly weird feelings since he is not a romantic guy.

"Doesn't he know the word `give up'?"

How I wish I could turn him in the law for stalking. However, he is my husband so it is not law breaking that he stalked me. I don't even know how can he get his hands on my phone number but he keeps calling me and text message me in same text everyday such as I miss you, I love you, I need you, please come back to me and etc.

"Will someone help me to get rid of him!?"

I encounter him once and told him that I want to find someone who would treat me right and he would never cheat on me. He went silent for a while and I thought he is giving up, however I didn't expect his answer.

"You only know my old self. In that case, I would renew myself into someone whom you like!"

Seems giving up is not in his dictionary. Either way right now I am looking through the window and sees him again as usual standing in front of my door. I frowned then I look at the sky seeing that it would be rain soon, I thought that he would go home since it's going to be raining soon.

"I don't know that he is stubborn or he is an idiot"

It is finally raining but Killua is still there, refusing to leave. He didn't care that he is drenched right now, he don't even make an effort to find a shelter.

"He is definitely an idiot"

I look at the door then the sight of Killua who is shivering right now. I let my eyes wander to the door then back to Killua. This continues for a few moments before I sigh again. I'm not that mean.

"Fine, your idiocy or your stubbornness wins"

I walk with a towel on my hand then open the door, looking at Killua who beamed but immediately I throw the towel on his face.

"Dry yourself before you get in and I'll show you where the bathroom is. Luckily I even had clothes on your size"

"Wha? Don't tell me that you had a guy in your place before?"

"What! I am a designer and also making clothes for both genders. I sew in my house as well so I have sample clothing you can wear! Besides, you are the first one to visit in my place"

"Really? Yes! Gon, I love you!"

"Shut up!"

While Killua's taking a bath, I decided to make a dinner and made it for him as well. I sigh for not knowing how many times but I never thought I would help him.

"Ah, this is really delicious!"

I'm just eating silently, ignoring his ranting on how delicious or 5 star rating or it is the best meal he ever ate. Again, This sure is the first time he eat my cooking and complimenting for he always ask the chef to cook or eat at high class restaurant.

"No way, Killua! Go away!"

I keep pushing Killua out of my room. He keeps being persistent in wanting both of us to sleep together.

"What? But we are married already!"

"So? We have never ever sleeps together before, anyway!"

He goes silent for a moment. It is true that we never sleep together, not even once. Killua is rarely goes back at the mansion and when he did, we would sleep in separate room and uff- what gives? He glomp on me.

"Well, let's sleep together then"

"Wha- waits!"

Unbelievable, now he carries me bridal style. I never thought he would ever do this to me and then carry me to the bed. He laid me gently on the bed before hugging me in which made me struggle for few moments but soon I gave up and slowly drifting to sleep.

"Goodnight, my love"

I feel that he kiss my cheek before he cuddles me and goes back to sleep as well. I never thought that sleeping while I'm in his arms made me feel comfortable. Somehow, I like this feelings, it feels nice.

The next morning, I get up then rubbed my eyes before looking at my surrounding and realize that Killua has gone.

"Hm? Has he gone back home?"

I found myself going downstairs while still feeling sleepy and thinking that maybe I will have pancake for breakfast. I go to the dining table and my sleepiness has vanished.

"Morning love, sleep well?"

Oh, so he has not left yet. There he is, reading a newspaper and greets me with a smile however I goes and making breakfast for me and him but somehow I feel like the kitchen utensils and some cooking ingredient number has increasing.

"Hm? What happened?"

I continued on making pancakes but still thinking about it. I give the pancakes to Killua who smile in gratitude. Somehow, it is me or I feel like some things are increasing and some are replaced.

"What's wrong, love?"

I raised my eyebrows while eating the pancakes before asking.

"Is it me or I felt like some of my things are increasing and- wait, when did I have a plasma tv on the wall?"

I could see Killua chuckling on the corner of my eyes. Then, I realize that this is his doing.

"Killua? What have you done to my house?"

"Oh? Don't you know? I'm going to live here"

5 seconds later, my mind is still loading.

10 seconds later, the loading is 30%.

15 seconds later, the loading is 55%.

30 seconds later, it is 100%.

"AAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

I scream in agony for a good minute before I slammed my hand on the table for protesting.

"Wait a minute, who gives you the right to live here? Your work is important right? Also, you can't do this!"

"I can and I just did. I give the right for myself and you are much more important. I'm not going to let you go and you can't lock me out anymore for I already duplicate your keys"

I began to feel dizzy. Unable to believe that he had moved his things and even duplicated his keys in one single night.

"So, what purpose it is for you to live here?"

"To win your heart of course!"

I give up, just let him do whatever he wants. He could have anything but my heart is not something he could have easily even though I still have feelings for him.

"Do whatever you want"

"Great, I have your permission then."

It has been few months ever since we are living together, he started to celebrate our anniversary and my birthday. Usually back then, he doesn't give a damn about it but now he does. He even gives me a jewelry that I always wanted as a birthday present. For his birthday, I do have difficulty to find a birthday present for him but all he says was he wants my love for him in which made me rolled my eyes.

"You never gave up, don't you?"

"No, I don't"

In the end, I just gave him quite an expensive briefcase since his briefcase already worn out. He is a bit disappointed that I'm not giving him my love but still happy about the present.

"Well, this means you care about me, right!?"

"Whatever"

I guess I am already used to living together with him as we sleeping together, greeting each other, eating together, shower together( Killua started it) and etc to the point Killua call it as he had close in winning my heart. I keep rolling my eyes at that comment but somehow I kind of agree. Still, I'm just thinking of many possibilities that he is not serious and somehow Killua could sense my doubts of him.

"Gon, I love you"

"Yeah"

"Can't you say `I love you too' to me?"

"Why should I?"

"So I know that you love me"

"Really?"

"Do you love me or not?"

"I don't know"

I could see mixture of emotions swelling up in his face. I guess I'm still being bounded in the past in which I always thought he is using me. Maybe that's why I never able to reply back of his feelings.

"Can't you just say it?"

"I can't"

Killua grunt then leaves without another word. I see that he is hurt but I really unable to say that word to him. I don't know why I can't, is it because I don't have any feelings on him. I'm confused right now, I'm sure Killua as well or he might leave. If he leaves, I guess we are not meant to be together.

Few days passed and I haven't see Killua. I guess he truly leaves, maybe this means that he is not serious when he say he loves me. I know I was hurt but maybe this truly confirm that we are truly not meant to be together.

"Hey"

That voice immediately makes my heart skipped a beat. I turned around and sees Killua right there. I'm relieved but somehow feeling angry at the same time.

"Where have you been?"

My tone sounded hurt but angry at same time making him silent for a moment before smile.

"So, you are worried. I feel happy to hear that"

I could feel my patience is growing thin. He seems to sense my irritation so he continued.

"Err Gon, I'm sorry that I have been using you. The reason I marry you is so that I could have your company"

My heart feel like crushed. I know the reason but when he admits it, it just hurt me more inside.

"After that, I have been going out with a lot of women's since I felt that you are just kind of a disturbance."

I tried to hold back the tears, I know everything. Why must he tell me anyway?

"Even so, you are always there for me. You keep waiting for me when I go back late and you always tried to cheer me up if I am in a bad mood but all I did was just pushing you out of my life"

Now I'm surprised to hear that, I never thought that he notices it.

"When you left, I thought that I should be happy and thought on filling the divorce when I just find someone to replace you"

Now my heart feel crushed again, I was going to be replaced by him?.

"But, I can't. No matter what, you are the one who always on my mind. No matter what I do, I can't get rid of you in my mind. It took several months for me to realize that you are truly the most important person for me. That's why I feel glad that I never send that divorce letter"

I began to look at Killua who look at me as well in blank expression but his eyes reflecting sadness, heartbreak and agony. My eyes let out a tear but Killua gently wipe it with his finger.

"I have always been looking for you. I thought that I would never be able to see you again. Don't you think that it's stupid, since I keep looking for you on the Zaoldyeck . After close to five years then I realized to look at you in Freecs then that's why I was able to find you. Stupid, right? If I realize it sooner, I might be able to be with you for a much longer time"

I smile bitterly as well while Killua chuckling bitterly. Silence is filled the room before Killua continues to talk.

"I was really in a panic state when I was going to see you again and not knowing on what to do. You know, when I see you again, I felt like my breath was taken away for you look more beautiful than the last time I saw you. Well, you look beautiful back then as well"

I could feel my face gradually becoming hotter. I cover my face but Killua takes my hand away, not letting me to cover my red face.

"I realize that you can't say you love me because you do still not trust me. That's why I told you everything"

My eyes widened, not knowing that Killua do know that I'm still not fully trust him. I feel shocked but I see Killua smile and pat my head, as if trying to reassure me that he understands.

"That is why, I go for few days to design and bought this. I hope that you like it"

Killua takes out a small box from his pocket and it reveal a truly expensive ring which is 20 carat of pure diamond cut in oval shape in a platinum band. My eyes widen and I started to jump a bit, even I could see that this ring is truly expensive. What is this ring for?

"Gon, will you marry me, again?"

"Heh?"

Shock is the only thing I feel, I think that I don't really understand. Seems Killua understand since he started to explain.

"Well, you see. I want to make a vow for our marriage since when we are married, it is basically fells like nothing support it so I want us to marry properly like having ceremony and exchanging vows also I know that it has always been your dream to design your own wedding dress and wearing them also I want us to start over, I hope that I could make you feel truly happy this time."

I see Killua blushed and scratch his cheek in embarrassment. I started to tear up from what he has said, right now, I already feeling happy from this to the point I hug him while crying in happy tears.

"Yes! I will! I love you, Killua!"

I see Killua smile and hug me back, feeling truly happy.

"Finally! You can say that you love me!"

Killua slid the ring on her fingers before we kiss for the first time in our life. Right now, I guess I really can't always get over him. I do kind of anticipating our starting over lives in future. Somehow, I felt that it would be a bright future.


End file.
